The Gift of Bipolar Disorder

March 4th, 2009 • Related • Filed Under

I have the gift of Bipolar Disorder; so it is believed did Leonardo DaVinci and Van Gogh, my mentors as artists and writers. For more than most of my life time, 20 years to be exact, I didn’t know I had the illness, and just thought I was different from other people. I was crazy, wild, and had periods of severe depression, where I went into my studio and hid in bed for days on end. Most people did not know I was sick. They just saw me as erratic and difficult to get along with.

Often I felt life was not worth living. Like William Styron, who in his memoir of depression DARKNESS VISIBLE quotes Camus saying, “Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental problem of Philosophy,” I was constantly asking myself that question. Twice I found myself answering that life wasn’t worth it and attempted suicide. Once in college I ingested 150 aspirin tablets and a bottle of scotch, but survived. I spent a month or more on the mental ward of a large hospital. I didn’t learn much except if you want to get out of the hospital, learn to play sane. Once when much older and it appeared that my life had completely failed. (My life as an artist had gone nowhere. My career as an architect was a dismal failure. My writing was blocked.) I attempted to jump off a bridge. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put other people’s lives at risk in order to end my own.

I was placed in the hospital again and this time diagnosed as Bipolar One. The beginning of a big change happened for me. I finally got off drugs. For years I had self-medicated with cocaine and marijuana. I finally got the help I needed with my extreme mood swings. And it wasn’t the 12 steps, which hadn’t worked for me in the two times I placed myself in drug treatment programs where the prescription was to give it up to God. Well, God alone could not do it for me. I needed medication and I got it. Immediately, I didn’t want crack or pot anymore. Gradually my severe mood swings lessened and I began to feel like a whole person rather than two different people: one a likeable and gentle person and other a disagreable and violent person. The former was male, but the latter was female. I lived for many years a split life.

As legal medical drugs calmed me down, however I could see that all that happened to me was not bad. My mania gave me an energy and the courage to try new things. My depression gave me an understanding of the low points life can reach. I have had a wide range of experiences, which are a gift to only the few, and if we can keep ourselves from self-destruction we have much to offer the world in terms of insight and compassion. I know now that I can answer the question “is life worth living?” in the affirmative.

There Are 38 Responses So Far. »

Comment by Eremeeff on 3 May 2009:

Hello,
Can i take a one small picture from your blog?
Thank you
Eremeeff
Comment by Nadine on 4 May 2009:

Hi, Thank you! I would now go on this blog every day!
Comment by Carlton Davis on 11 May 2009:

I would not go everyday, since I can’t blog but once a week, but thank you for the confidence.
Comment by Carlton Davis on 11 May 2009:

You are welcome to take a picture from my blog. I am sorry for the delay in response your comment was caught up in my spam.
Comment by julia on 12 May 2009:

I loved “The Gift of Bipolar” post! This is what keeps me going. Many people with Bipolar are creative, and many are famous from nowadays and past. I have this book “Creativity and Manic-depressive Disorder,’ about famous artists, writers, musicians who probably had Bipolar, and it was inspiring.
Comment by Carlton Davis on 12 May 2009:

Thank you for your comment. It is a gift, but it is up to you what you do with it as the Reverend Sacquety said to me when I wanted to give the gift back to the god I was convinced was my torturer.
Comment by Elcoj on 23 May 2009:

Everything dynamic and very positively!
Comment by Bodyc on 29 May 2009:

Hi there,
Thanks for article. Everytime like to read you.
Have a nice day
Comment by Carlton Davis on 9 June 2009:

Thank you for your comment.
Comment by Carlton Davis on 9 June 2009:

Thank you for your comment. A new blog is on its way.
Comment by LeraJenkins on 23 June 2009:

Logically, I agree
Comment by Carlton Davis on 24 June 2009:

Thank you for you comment. Keep coming back.
Comment by PeterMontee on 3 July 2009:

What excellent phrase
Comment by Carlton Davis on 3 July 2009:

I have said this before, but I thank you for your comment
Comment by jamie on 26 July 2009:

wow, it was just yesterday i was told i have bipolar 1, and i have been struggling to deal with it up until now. “My mania gave me an energy and the courage to try new things. My depression gave me an understanding of the low points life can reach.” thank you for this! it has helped me alot!
Comment by Carlton Davis on 26 July 2009:

Thank you Jamie, You are why I blog. If what I write can help you, it helps me knowing there are others like you out there who share a similar experience. Being Bipolar 1 can suck at times, but at other times I would not trade it for anything in the world. I feel I (and you) have great insight to offer not just on the mental condition, but on the whole of existence from the appearance to the working of men, nature, and machines. Don’t hesitate to communicate with me again.
Comment by Pete40 on 2 August 2009:

Thanks for the info.
I really liked this article. It explains the bipolar disorder really well.
Comment by Carlton Davis on 2 August 2009:

Thank you for the response. A lot of people seem to like this article. I get a bunch of positive feed back on it.
Comment by Elcorin on 8 August 2009:

Hi, Amazing! Not clear for me, how offen you updating your http://www.bipolarbarebook.com.
Comment by Carlton Davis on 8 August 2009:

I update by website every week or so with new blogs, but I am not upating the basic website content very often. Do I need to do that in your opinion? For example I don’t have anything at this time to add on to what I have already said about the Gift of Bipolar Disordrer.
Comment by bad credit loans on 29 December 2009:

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Comment by payday loans on 21 January 2010:

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Comment by Golf Clubs on 13 September 2010:

I wanted to tell you thanks for this great read!! I added to my bookmarks, take care
Comment by Mindy Mindburger on 24 September 2010:

BP 1 as well.

“I didn’t learn much except if you want to get out of the hospital, learn to play sane.”

I definitely did the same thing. A deep understanding of moods and personalities can do wonders. I actually helped a few people in there understand this.

Keeping an eye on the good, can help you take a more positive approach in fulfillment. I must remember this before/during grandiosity. If I focus on the stimulation from “power,” and not ” positive goal achievement” the people I love the most can get hurt.
They too get wrapped up in the excitement and only after the euphoria goes away, there’s a collective understanding of hopelessness. This drives me bonnnkkerss!!~

We are all different works in progress. :(:):(:D
Comment by Carlton Davis on 7 November 2010:

I liked your comment, but I didn’t understand the “collective understanding of hopelessness.” What is that. If there is one, It would drive me bonkers too.
Comment by TANISHA on 22 November 2010:

Greetings from Lincoln! I found that very informative. Thanks for the comment. I will be back to check for more info when I can.
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Comment by Fleta Vanasselt on 25 November 2010:

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Comment by Willis Colello on 26 November 2010:

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Comment by O'Neill on 26 November 2010:

I was diagnosed at 15. I do feel this is the only way to view our special gift. Its weird to know your included in this vast community of wonderful people. Everyone I meet with it too, is just right- they are so much better than normal people to me, they make sense, they have minds that work as fucked-up as mine and I cherish that. Its a strange thing. A beautiful thing.

Thank you for this post. Its wonderfully pure. Unbelievably true. You have a good to heart to put this out to the world. x
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Comment by Anatol on 27 November 2011:

I am bipolar and it is the greatest gift of all… Life can be grasped in an intensitiy and beauty unknown to others, the pain and lonelyness is so wonderfull and u can get in touch with the others…. It is beautiful
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Comment by Wendy Ellis on 30 October 2012:

I was diagnosed with bipolar “disorder” when I was in my 30s. I am now 47 and was able to come out of a 30 yr chronic depression. When that happened it was like seeing the world in a whole new light…I became aware of my bipolar gift when I healed myself of co dependency and started to celebrate every feeling I had. I became aware of my higher level of understanding of how life works and where we all fit in. I finally was able to see my gift of being aware of things on a higher wavelength. I came across a name for some of it that made sense..Multi Sensory Perception or MSP..it’s like an awareness that comes from all of your senses and also an extra sixth sense of intuition I guess you could call it. I started to realize that there really are no coincidences in life and that everything that happens has a purpose or a meaning..like failing to get a job..because there is something better that is going to come up. I began to see and speak from my heart and was able to understand where the pain and depression comes from…after feeling my pain of loneliness and isolation that went on for so long I accepted that..understood where it came from..learned how I accepted less for myself and the reasons why and…accepted my part in it and forgave whoever caused some of the pain (because without them I would not be enjoying life as it is today) I learned many things…and began to respect myself, have more self confidence and learned that we do have the authentic power to make up our lives as we want it to be. (I also learned to check in on my reality perception…because smart people can think deep enough to become delusional and that becomes destructive to ourselves..We CAN learn to live life by not settling for less than we deserve or desire if we learn to respect ourselves and other people at the same time. By not being self destructive and Listen to your inner voice and trust in yourself in what feels right in YOUR heart and YOUR mind. Everyone is a soul that lives on forever…coming onto the earth lesson planet as a “personality” (yourself) Your soul lives on forever and when you are done in this life’s purpose your body turns to ash and you move on to your next life in the form of another “personality” and everyone has a purpose or a path in life that will lead to their ultimate happiness and completeness. When you learn to speak through your heart and listen to what feels good and right to you and take care of your body by getting good rest, healthy food, plenty of water and discover that excercise can be fun..I love to walk and listen to music on my ipod..I walk about 3 miles every day..and that also helps my mind and emotions by eliminating everyday stress. I drink water when I feel the need for something and we all need plenty of water. I am stronger now than I have ever been and I still take some medications, as long as I feel they are doing a job I will remain on them..The purpose of the “personality” (You) is to align with your soul to find the path that you were ultimately born to be on to find your true happiness and completeness. One of the keys to this is to always have hope by having more than one choice of jobs for example or relationships or whatever..that way when one thing doesn’t work out where is the hope..in the second? or third? choice. Without hope we feel depressed, powerless, not in control. We reach for food when really we should be feeling the feeling that we are avoiding. We really do have a choice..that’s why we have free will..to choose what fulfills us and only then can we experience the beautiful feeling of love for ourselves and others and appreciate all that life is and has to offer if you live for a positive result that feels right to you..you will feel a peace and sense of control in your life so that you can accomplish so many things..by fulfilling many parts of yourself and not relying on a person to make you happy…you have to have the inner happiness to enjoy your life with a partner that is on the same level and has other interests that fulfill them as well. Then when you come together it is real love that is shared and not taken from someone who doesn’t have it to share. I am a work in progress as is everyone and will continue to learn and find new things that contribute to my overall happiness. Life is Great! (without obstacles..there would be no lessons to learn and life would be just a boring fairytale) Life is an interesting, exciting journey that we should all learn to live and appreciate what we do have..one last thing I have learned..money is only a neccesary evil…it alone does not bring true authentic happiness. I have zero money right now and I am happier inside than I have ever been..now I start my journey to find a job and connect with people..a part of life I have missed so much of! We are all a work in progress…